When MAGA said they were going to “bring back manufacturing,” what they meant was ‘manufactured controversies’

Ironic that the people most critical of Rama Duwaji’s boots are the same people who most love licking boots

Dry January starting with a long weekend; feels like we’re gonna lose some soldiers on the front lines, captain

‘Merry Christmas’ is short for Meriadoc Brandybuck Christmas

PSA: only a few days left to ‘drive enterprise adoption,’ ‘streamline agentic workflows,’ ‘implement scalable solutions,’ and ‘transform unstructured data into actionable business insights,’ so let’s end the year strong, people! đŸ’Ș

The only thing Apple Intelligence has been good for is letting me know at a glance if the dozen texts from my wife are because she’s mad at me or just needs some things from the grocery store

The best part of being an actor must be when you have to put on weight for a role; crushing Little Debbie like it’s your job (it is)

I’m like your least favorite poster’s least favorite poster

When somebody says “you’re one in a million,” what they’re really saying is “there are at least 8,200 people exactly like you, you unoriginal doorknob”

Meeting my team for coffee this morning, which means I’m meeting my team for my sixth coffee this morning

I put the ‘me’ in imposter syndrome

I don’t fall for Starbucks propaganda that’s why I only listen to Ariana Medium

Black Friday emails from brands are like letters from exes who just realized you’re the one that got away

Me as an evil villain: I will just chill out in my evil lair for weeks, nay months, for the good guys to try and stop me muahaha fires up twitter

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles presents highly sanitized the version of what actually it goes down in the sewer

Nice face card, now let’s see your library card

I love Thanksgiving mostly as a demonstration of mammalian phylogenetic dominance over the dinosaurs by ritually gobbling upon their most absurd descendant

One day in the not so distant future, everyone will claim to have always been anti-Trump.

Yet another reminder that the world is run by disgusting men strategically concealing each other’s secrets.

Maybe people making $1M/year can cut down on their White Alba Truffle Kaluga Caviar 24-Karat Gold Leaf Jamón Ibérico de Bellota Aged Balsamic Fleur de Sel Avocado Toast