When somebody says “you’re one in a million,” what they’re really saying is “there are at least 8,200 people exactly like you, you unoriginal doorknob”

Meeting my team for coffee this morning, which means I’m meeting my team for my sixth coffee this morning

I put the ‘me’ in imposter syndrome

I don’t fall for Starbucks propaganda that’s why I only listen to Ariana Medium

Black Friday emails from brands are like letters from exes who just realized you’re the one that got away

Me as an evil villain: I will just chill out in my evil lair for weeks, nay months, for the good guys to try and stop me muahaha fires up twitter

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles presents highly sanitized the version of what actually it goes down in the sewer

Nice face card, now let’s see your library card

I love Thanksgiving mostly as a demonstration of mammalian phylogenetic dominance over the dinosaurs by ritually gobbling upon their most absurd descendant

One day in the not so distant future, everyone will claim to have always been anti-Trump.

Yet another reminder that the world is run by disgusting men strategically concealing each other’s secrets.

Maybe people making $1M/year can cut down on their White Alba Truffle Kaluga Caviar 24-Karat Gold Leaf Jamón Ibérico de Bellota Aged Balsamic Fleur de Sel Avocado Toast

That billionaires, and even potential trillionaires, still feel the need to post is proof that no amount of money can equal the feeling of social validation that comes from dropping a single banger

Due to inflation, Americans now see themselves as temporarily embarrassed billionaires

Men would rather subscribe to a humanoid robot that’s really just some guy named Miroslav in an Oculus headset in Serbia who does their chores than go to therapy

NYC: Where it costs a lot to live in conservative heads rent-free

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you again! You know how easily it is to fool me, NOT COOL

Refrigerators refrigerate. Toasters toast. Flowers
???

It’s better to have Louvred and lost than to never have Louvred before

The Guitar Hero/Rock Band Era was the zenith of technological progress and we should have just stopped there