Apple wonā€™t bring markdown into Notes until they can figure a way to brand it Apple Typing or something annoying like that

I’m actually incapable of imagining a story I’d want to read less than one about Mark Zuckerberg recording a song with T-Pain

3-day weekends make it glaringly obvious that 2-days is simply not enough time to decompress from being a monster for 5-days, remember how to be a human, and actually get to enjoy BEING a human before being forced to start thinking about becoming a monster again

Sliced Bread really must have blown peopleā€™s fucking minds

Iā€™m sorry but I simply cannot handle the New Yorkerā€™s diaeresis at a time like this

Trusting no one from here on out, turns out escalators CAN break

America is a monster

There was a sense of bemused detachment in 2016 as the win seemed like a fluke, that a lot of people YOLO-voted ļæ¼without any real idea or expectation for what it meant.

That absolutely cannot be said about today.

We all know who he is. We all know what heā€™s going to do. And so much of this country either doesnā€™t care, and/or expects Jesus to return, and/or plans to profit immensely on the carnage.

The American ā€˜experimentā€™ has mutated into something grotesque.

ļæ¼America is a monster.

And what nowā€”we have to slowly rebuild enthusiasm for the next go around?

Iā€™m sick to my stomach. But also deeply afraid for my friends in communities who will inevitably feel the brunt of the carnage to come.

I cried a bit walking past school children this morning, too young to know what just happened. The light of hope and dreams still in their eyes, on this 79Ā° day in November.

Iā€™m so sorry.

Feeling gratitude that Cybertruck owners have but one vote šŸ™

ā€œAre you better off than you were 4 years ago?ā€

BEHOLD: the mystical amulet that wards away donation textsā€¦ find one at your nearest polling placeā€¦

The ā€˜270 to to Winā€™ map is like March Madness for people who were almost certainly the recipient of at least one atomic wedgie in elementary school

I am extremely, distressingly, disturbingly, self-destructively online, and I have never heard of this squirrel.

But sure MAGA, this should absolutely be your closing argument to the American people. Gonna work wonders.

ā€œOur polling is a little different. We take polling, but we also combine it with AI, whichā€¦ā€

Iā€™m gonna stop you right there, Kari Lake. You gonna lose.

Itā€™s also a vote:

  • for much less dramala
  • to heal the traumala
  • the Oxford commala
  • potent marijuanala
  • vacations in the Bahamalas
  • ā€˜In Uteroā€™ by Nirvanala
  • Task management with Asanala

It will be interesting to see if a President Harris enters her first term as an Obama-like ‘uniter of a divided nation,’ or a law & order President committed to bringing to justice those responsible for exploiting and breaking laws that led us to this point in the first place

So many ā€˜Secret Family Recipes Passed Down from Generation to Generationā€™ are just whatever happened to be on the back of the Betty Crocker box on May 10th, 1953

Hereā€™s how it plays out:

  • Trump loses the election
  • Elon loses his citizenship
  • Trump imprisoned
  • Elon imprisoned
  • Tucker Carlsonā€™s demon manifests on earth and devours all Republicans
  • Turns out that was The Rapture
  • Talking Heads reunite for a dance party that lasts 10,000 years

A fun thing to think about is how of the approximately 3 million rats in New York City, there is one rat that is the biggest one of them all, and it is sitting somewhere right now, at this moment, breathing deeply in and out, quietly chanting your nameā€¦

FaceID is the sole judge of Halloween costumes.

If youā€™re being forced to enter your password, congrats: youā€™ve done a good job.

I hope yā€™all are looking at your spouses the same way some yā€™all looking at these M4 MacBook Pros